For being on the bigger side for most of my life, I have always thought that I wouldn't let it get in the way of dressing the way I wanted to. Even being as big as I have been, I never let the "fat girl mantra" get to me while I was shopping…or at least tried to ignore the voice in my head that said "you're too fat to wear that". And it has always helped--I frequently get complimented on how I dress and it makes me even happier when people who are big like me call me inspirational and daring with my clothing choices. I don't cover up my body with tents. I love tight body con dresses and I feel totally sexy when I put on clothes that I like…but at the end of the day the clothes have to come off and then I have to see what I look like in the buff and its not always something that I like seeing.
It gets even weirder when other people have to see me that way--going to the doctors, doing the "I'm almost kind of naked" tango with my clothes in the locker room at the gym so nobody actually sees me, and the forever dreaded hookup hotties…that one is kind of the worst.
I sort of feel like Im lying to guys when I wear cute clothes that make me feel awesome that projects onto my face. They say everything about me--I'm fun, quirky, and a little bit sexy. But the second things start coming off its like BAM! Jabba the Hut is in taaaowwnn! Where did all my personality go? Then I start to feel like all that I have to convey who I am is rolls of dimpled, pale, chub with stretch marks. And that is definitely not who I am at all. It's really hard to feel beautiful naked when you're 190 pounds when people of both sexes expect a firm non-dimply bubble butt, as few wiggles as possible, and an overall thin, fit figure.
Dating is a little bit different. People have a wide array of preferences of both the physical and personal. But when you have to see them naked and touch them naked, it kind of changes. You hope that he looks and acts like Seth Rogen most of the time, but then when he gets naked he suddenly has a likeness to Zac Effron, or something like that. Well, I don't mind being me on the outside, but I kinda wish I looked liked (insert hottie celeb here) when I was naked.
And you hope to god they don't think you are crushing them when you crawl on top of them.
Its such an odd, personal thing when you expose yourself to another person and its on my list of goals: look and feel good naked.
Even if I don't ever meet that high expectation of banging porn star body, I would love to not make a face when my arms start flapping in the wind like a weather vane and be thinking "ahh don't want to kill you. imsorryimsorryimsorry…" the whole time when I could be thinking about wayyy better things.
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